Connection over Content
how a bike light cast light on conflict
Every morning at 7:45 sharp, I greet my friend Steven on the corner of my street. Mr. Steven is a modern day Mr. Rogers. He’s humble, kind, and chock full of wisdom. He’s also avid biker, a dedicated middle school teacher, and a father. He cares deeply about the planet, which is evident in how he lives his life - he’s the guy who bikes to the specialty recycling center to properly dispose of Amazon envelopes. He also repairs discarded bike trailers to donate to families in need and is always available to lend a helping hand.
It’s fitting, then, that Mr. Steven has organized a daily “bike bus” to safely escort our neighborhood kids to and from school. I’m lucky to be part of his growing peloton which is how our friendship has evolved and how I learned of the following story:
~~~
The other evening, after a late night at school, Steven rode straight to a local pizza shop to pick up dinner for his family. Since he was just popping in to grab a pre-ordered pie, he left his bike lights on.
When he returned, he found a man standing nearby with a look of frustration. As soon as the man saw Steven holding his helmet, he snapped:
“Is this your bike?”
Steven nodded.
“That shitty headlight is so annoying,” the man barked.
Steven’s unexpected response?
“Oh really? What makes you say that?” he asked, with genuine curiosity.
The man responded,
“It’s super distracting for drivers! It shines right into our eyes. I’m a cyclist too but I just can’t believe you’d use something like that!”
To which Steven said,
“Wow. Thanks for the feedback and for letting me know. Do you think a steady light would be better?”
Taken aback, the man, clearly expecting a conflict, shifted. His body language softened.
“Wow… Thank you,” he said. “Thank you for hearing my voice. For listening to me and actually being open to my feedback.”
They went on to have a thoughtful discussion about the pros and cons of various luminary options for cyclists. By the end of the conversation, the man asked Steven if he could shake his hand. He finished by sharing his reflection of their interaction:
“This is how it should go.”
~~~
This inspiring encounter reminds me of a concept recently introduced to me by a friend:
Connection over Content
The principle is simple: in difficult conversations, whether about politics, social issues, or even bike lights, start by focusing on your shared humanity. Maybe you have similar goals, or maybe your connection is that you are family. Prioritize the relationship over the details of the disagreement.
In Steven’s case, the shared connection was safety - for bikers and drivers alike. The content (bike light selection) mattered, but it came second. Curiosity was the key that opened the door. Even if they had disagreed about the ideal lighting (they didn’t… they actually both preferred flashing lights after a productive conversation), their mutual willingness to be open and curious made understanding possible.
If Steven had responded with anger or defensiveness, as the man likely expected, none of this would have happened. It was Steven’s curiosity: “Oh really? What makes you say that?” that shifted the whole thing.
It’s not easy. But if Steven and his new acquaintance can do it, so can we. One neighborhood conversation at a time, maybe we can start to close the divides that are preventing us from connecting more deeply with those whose opinions and experiences may differ from our own. By choosing vulnerability, curiosity, and connection over defensiveness, judgement, and aggression, we have the capacity to create space for something different. We just need to try.
Your Turn
This month, try practicing connection over content. Whether in a conversation with someone who holds different views, or during a moment of unexpected tension, try to pause, interrupt the standard defensive response, and then try to lead with curiosity. If it feels too foreign, maybe just borrow Mr. Steven’s words: “Oh really? What makes you say that?”.
See what shifts. See if you can find yourself proudly saying “this is how it should go”.
Fill us in on your progress. We’d love to hear your stories and will surely pass them along to The Ōnda Collective’s role-model, Mr. Steven.
With much love and gratitude,
Daniela
Founder, The Ōnda Collective
Mr. Steven, his family and a portion of the bike bus.
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